


Nothing

by frankenfreakie



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (more like a super subjective character analysis but yanno), Abandonment, Character Study, Cheating, Death, Depression, M/M, Meta, can you tell i have a lot of feelings involving horse boys, the zahhaks are my emotional support dumbasses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 04:04:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21130469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankenfreakie/pseuds/frankenfreakie
Summary: What do you think it feels like when the universe itself deems your existence as nothing of value?A little thing for Dancestor Day for the HS Artkind Server!





	Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> a little something for Dancestor Day on the hs artkind server! no i won’t shut up about zahhaks and you can’t make me

What do you think it feels like when the universe itself deems your existence as nothing of value? The universe says “You’re nothing important”, yet here you are, living in it.

You internalize it, believe it.

You’re void of meaning. 

You are a void. 

You are a troll. 

Society says you’re a troll of meaning. 

A troll of your blood color, “So dignified! So powerful!” they say, “So much better than the others!” you’re too young to understand, but you don’t question why. Everyone says it, so it must be true. You’ll learn something new when you’re older.

There’s a void inside you, wanting to be filled. 

There’s nothing in your hands, so you grab something. 

A wrench. 

You master something. 

You master many things. 

Engineering, poetry, art. It gains you praise and company you very much want, but it doesn’t last. You’re too ‘weird’ for them to want to stay. Why are you weird? For having bodily functions? For having interests? They leave once the shine of your achievements fade. You see yourself in the reflection of those achievements, and you hate what you see. You hate yourself.

You decide to leave your hive to explore.

You explore the woods.

You see a treehive.

You meet a village. 

You meet a boy with wings.

He’s a mutant, and society dictates he should be culled, yet he’s the leader of this whole village. Without you knowing your perception of society forms a small crack. He tries to be confident, but you can tell he’s not. The boy stands high atop a pedestal he never wanted, and his friends put them there. You feel you should hate him, as he is your foil in that regard. But you don’t.

Everyone wants him merely for existing. 

No one wants you despite all your efforts.

The two of you grow closer.

You end up pitying him instead.

Turns out he already has a matesprit.

You finally have friends, in the loosest of terms. Eleven other trolls and still, none of them want to visit you. Except him. The two of you see each other a lot. You know it’s wrong, you don’t want this kind of quadrant strife, and neither does he, but he’s far too afraid to confront his first matesprit. You won’t force him if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t.

One of your friends convinces you all to play a game she found.

None of you knew the consequences.

Your home, your lusus, your society, is gone.

Only the 12 of you remain, 3 sweeps come and go, but you still have the 1 boy who loves you.

The whole Damara thing didn’t pan out too well, though.

Staring down the black and white barrel of your team’s destruction, cradled in the hands of the Thief, you think back on your life. Your never-ending void within. You look over at your matesprit. He clings to you in fear. Despite everything you’ve tried and perfected in the past, he was the only one to make a lasting difference in you. 

You fell in love.

You wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. 

You hold onto him, trying not to let the tears flood your goggles.

The two of you exchange final words of flushed affirmation as the timer ticks down.

Your lives ended seconds later.

* * *

The Furthest Ring is not empty. Bubbles skim the void, entangled in the tendrils of terrifying ancient gods. It is the void you once felt inside yourself, given life, engulfing everything around you. You are scattered across these bubbles. You’re dead. A ghost. There’s a new you in a new universe, and a new indigo with a new life playing that same old game. You were the failed test run. You really are nothing, aren’t you?

But you can’t be nothing, you have to be something, anything!

Something, anything, like what?

Here you float among the stars, among the memories.

Are you some of these stars? Are you some of the components of these memories?

Why, you’re a hoofbeast, obviously.

It’s better than being yourself.

The Thief is back, and she’s building an army. This doesn’t really surprise you. You figured she’d come up with a hairbrained scheme like this. You’re smart. Smart enough to know what’s wrong with the love of your afterlife, your matesprit. You know he wants to end it. You play dumb. You want to keep him here. It’s unhealthy and horrible, and selfish, you know. You know he deserves better than you.

You still love him, and he still loves you, why does he want to leave?

You’ve changed too much, lover.

You’re sewn on too tightly, shadow.

If he leaves, you won’t have anyone.

If no one wants you, you’ll be nothing again.

You’ve never seen the void with so much color. Your world is falling apart. Paradox space is falling apart. There’s a huge green monster ripping his way through your dead friend’s doomed clones. Face the music, Zahhak, you’re nothing but cannon fodder now. Maybe not even good enough for that. You watch from afar as the ones who do matter use everything they’ve got to try and take the Lord down. The cracks spread farther and the black hole grows bigger. Some ghosts aren’t strong enough to stay on solid ground and go flying, disappearing. You see plenty of yourself suffer the same fate.

It gets down to the wire.

There’s barely enough land for the remaining shreds of this army to stand on.

Trolls still go screaming into the void. 

You hear it call to you, endless, unfathomable, and all too familiar.

You know you’ll end up there soon.

You look around to find your matesprit.

He should be next to you.

He’s nowhere to be seen.

He flew away when you weren’t looking.

The land below your feet cracks and breaks away and you feel the void pulling you in.

The closer you get, the greater the silence.

Your ghostly body makes contact with the black hole. You feel yourself double dying.

The void welcomes your soul like an old friend.

There’s no noise, no light, there’s nothing.

  


You’re nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! follow me on twitter, tumblr, and instagram! i’m @4reekie on all sites.


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